Where to begin, fellow Inmates, where to begin. At the beginning? But where was the beginning. Did I not already chronicle the beginning? Or was it the middle. I know it was not the end. Not even close. Let me gather my thoughts.
My last missive left me in the catacombs beneath the Asylum. I had run out of food. I decided to eat some of the safe mushrooms. Safe. Whatever made me think there were “safe” mushrooms in the depths of the catacombs and caverns beneath the Asylum?
I found several mushrooms and ate them. Amazingly refreshed, I continued my search for the missing Dr. Tarr. The mushrooms were incredible. They revitalized me. They made me feel as if I could go on with the search forever if need be. I felt like I could do anything. All my senses were heightened. I felt like I could accomplish anything.
I stared at the walls as I walked. What had once appeared to be roughly hewn passages carved out of the earth started to morph into pictograms. Very detailed pictograms. I became amazed at the fact that they were of human odditites: freaks. But some were of creatures that were definitely not human. Some were humanoid. Some were caricatures of humans. Some were not human at all. I smiled as I slowly made my way down the corridor, my face inches from the wall, my eyes taking in the minutest of details. These were scenes from carny life. The Old Life. The ancient mixing of the Old Ways and the New. The constant remixing of the Ways, the winding paths, the intricately twisting corridors – just as I was walking down this corridor, following the pathways on the walls.
I stopped and look ahead, my eyes, my mind now drawn to a bright glow coming from around the next bend. I looked back at the walls. The now were nothing more than walls hacked out of the earth. The trail had led me here.
I moved around the bend. I stopped. A shimmering light that constantly changed hues blocked the corridor. I moved up to it. I stared intently at the wall of light. I found that if I concentrated hard enough I could barely make out the other side. But the other side was not just more tunnel. Constantly changing scenes played out behind the curtain of multi-colored light. I watched several scenes, none of which were the same length. I also noted that the scenes looked like they were coming from bad television reception: fading in and out, sporadic static, video snow.
Fascinated, I stood there for several minutes watching. Suddenly a scene appeared that looked really familiar. Just as it dissolved into another scene, I realized it was a scene from a movie. Another scene was from an old television show. The next scene was the real surprise. I was certain Dr. Tarr appeared in one of the scenes. But just as I recognized him, he disappeared.
I watched for Tarr through several more scenes. One of them was a quite extended scene from THE KILLER SHREWS. I thought it would never end. Tarr appeared soon thereafter. I was in for another surprise. Tarr was inside a scene from SANTA SANGRE.
Needless to say, I was stunned. I knew what I had to do. I turned around and started the journey back to the Asylum.
Many long hours later I came to the ladder that led up into the Asylum cellar. I was weak from hunger and thirst as I refused to partake of anything in the labyrinth below for fear of what it would do to my mind. I even wore a mask to filter the air. Spores, you know.
I stopped the first nurse I came to and directed her to see to it that I got a hot meal delivered to my room in eight hours. I asked about Nurse Feratu. Nurse Feratu was locked in the her room. Something about not getting the respect she deserved around here. Nothing I hadn’t heard before. I knew she would eventually come out of it, so I left her to her own devices.
I made it to my quarters. I took a long hot shower. I climbed into my bed. I was asleep before I knew it. Does the story pause here? No, fellow Inmates, it doesn’t. I had a dream…
I was back in the tunnel staring at the shimmering, multi-colored wall of light. To my horror, I started to walk toward the light. I tried to stop myself but failed. Panic ripped through my mind but I couldn’t make it translate into physical action. I moved through the curtain of light.
Everything looked faded and a bit jerky. I realized it was because I was in an old movie that had obviously been spliced many many times. I looked down at my body. It looked like the rest of the scene I was in. I was actually in the scene. Now, here’s the dilemma, fellow Inmates: I couldn’t tell which aspect of my consciousness was the dreaming part. Try as I might I couldn’t be sure.
I looked around. The scene looked familiar but I couldn’t quite place it. I stood in the town square. It was a beautiful summer afternoon. Several people walked by, each smiling and nodding a greeting to me. At first I tried to be snide and droll, but it always came out as a smile and/or a not, with an occasional “Very well, thank you.” All very disconcerting in one part of my mind (was that the part that was or was not dreaming?), and perfectly natural and logical in the rest.
Suddenly I heard a very familiar sound in the distance. It was the sweet and sassy sound of a calliope – with just the hint of something dark, something wicked. And it was coming this way. I grinned in anticipation. I knew what movie I was in. But it wasn’t the Disney movie. This was another movie based much more closely on the Ray Bradbury book. I knew this must be my own visual interpretation of the story. Just as the music got louder and the first performers rounded the corner, I started to feel very strange. Everything started to distort and fade in and out. I suddenly found myself in the tunnel staring at the shimmering screen of multi-colored light.
Panic set in. I had thought I was dreaming, but I was really back in the corridor in some sort of trance, probably induced by the mushrooms I had eaten. The tunnel faded into blackness.
Eight hours later, I was awakened by an aide who had brought my breakfast. It was one of the best meals I had ever had. I was famished.
After finishing the meal, I headed for the study. I knew what I had to do.
I entered the study and was heartened to see Head Doctor sitting atop the television. I approached him.
“Ah, Professor Fether,” Head Doctor said through the speakers located on the TV. “I have been expecting you. I have exactly what you need.”
The snowy image on the television screen resolved into that of a strange box with flashing lights and dials gracing its countenance. I shot a questioning look at Head Doctor.
“This machine is a
Chronsynclasticinfundibulism Teleportation Enhancer device,” Head Doctor said in anticipation of my question. “You will be able to locate and retrieve Dr. Tarr with this machine.”
Ecstatic, I grinned. “I knew you’d come through, H. D. Where is this machine?”
The image on the TV screen pulled back to reveal the machine as it sat inside a cluttered room.
“This room is located in the back of the Asylum. I don’t believe you’ve ever been in this room. I will see to it that it is unlocked.”
“Thanks, H.D. I’ll head out to get the machine right away,” I said as I started to leave the study.
“There is one problem,” Head Doctor said. I stopped and looked at him, shaking my head. What a devious fellow! There always seemed to be a catch. “This device was created by a doctor who was quite insane. He lived in the Cleveland, Ohio, area. The machine is calibrated to only function in the greater Cleveland area. You will have to go there in order for the device to work properly.”
My previous grin came back. “Ah, that’s not a problem! I will be in the Cleveland area in a couple of weeks. I will be attending the upcoming Cinema Wasteland convention.”
Head Doctor rocked back and forth in his jar. “Yes, Professor, I am quite aware of that. This I why I knew this course of action was the best one to take.”
H.D. always seemed to be one step ahead of me. I nodded. “Should have known. Thanks, again, H.D. And wish me luck.”
“Luck has nothing to do with it,” H.D. called as I left the study.
So, fellow Inmates, I have retrieved the
Chronosynclasticinfundibulsim Teleportation Enhancer device from the storage room. I will take it with me to the upcoming
Cinema Wasteland convention. I will attempt to bring Dr. Tarr back to this reality at the Saturday Night Horror Host Show. I am sure I will succeed! It will be good to have Dr. Tarr back.
In the meat time, Fellow Inmates,
LET THE OPERATION BEGIN!!
